November

Alright, I'm officially a turd. It seems that after my valiant effort of 3 whole entries here (last year) I had expended all I had to give. Well fuck that – I’m back! And, really hoping that it isn’t just this time of year that makes me want to write on the interweb.

Mix Mas

It was the day after Thanksgiving and I couldn’t have been more anxious to make my first Holiday season in my new apartment one of pure holiday cheer and joy. The plan was to get a huge tree, bake everyday, spend copious amounts of time in seasonal pajamas and somehow have all of the daily worries and annoyances that occur during the rest of the year magically disappear. Easy, right?

The tree stood a majestic 7ft tall and even though it was a bit out of our price range – I just had to have it. Adam saw that I’d fallen in love (craze) with this tree and agreed that we’d get it. Christmas was off to a great start! The second we got it into our apartment I abandoned the fun origami theme that we had been planning all year (not majestic enough for this regal tree) and went full force into decorating a tree that could have vomited classical Christmasness on anyone in it’s vicinity. Trips were made to Target, Pier 1 and anywhere else that I saw a shiny dangling piece of Christmas crap. Once purchased, I spent hours placing every ball, star and bird meticulously. In fact, I think the only reason I stopped decorating the tree was that we’d run out of ornaments. But ok – one flurry of a day after bringing it into our home, I stood back and pronounced it decorated.

That night my friend Zach came over and I of course asked him what he thought of the tree. He stopped strolled around it for a moment and said, “It’s nice – for a Nordstrom tree”. Gasp, swallow, gain composure. “A what? Nooo!” As Adam and Zach laughed, I realized what I had done. My entire tornado esq. mania had become frightening clear in my mind and there I was staring straight at the (lets get real) Mervyns tree that I had made. How did this happen? With all my good intention and months of chatting about the funny tree we would have, I had become so fixated on the result that I hadn’t just let our holiday occur. It is a lesson that I learn time and time again, my little power motor of a noggin can’t just force experiences to be what I want them to be. Ashamed, I went tail between my legs to Adam, he shook his head sweetly, his little monster had done it again, and what was worse he knew that now the hallmark monstrosity that we had in our living room was dead to me. In his ever patient manner, he helped me take every ornament off the tree. Three days later we together had created an underwater wonderland tree, complete with lobsters, scuba divers, whales, sunken treasure and of course a pirate ship tree topper that has brought all the holiday merriment a girl could hope for.

Triath-a-loooony

It wasn’t really until I was bobbing up and down in the bay’s 50 degree water at 7:45 am last Sunday morning that I thought my decision to do a triathlon was absolutely crazy. I’m not sure what exactly tipped me off, it might have been the fact that I couldn’t feel my feet, that my head looked like a penis, or that the gigantic orange balloon buoys were about a million miles away, but at that moment I didn’t know what the F in my little red head had gotten me to that point.

Needless to say, it was way to late for me to do anything about the situation I had gotten myself into so off I went with 80 other girls between 25-29 and who (lets get real) were probably thinking the same thing. It was amazing. The swimming was a real crap fest but at the same time there was something glorious about feeling completely overwhelmed by the immensity of the water and the bay bridge that was looming above us. Not to mention that the survival instinct that kicks in when you are doing something as stupid as fighting your way through endless waves and women in neoprene feels really good, really human. I am glad to know that I still have that instinct after years in cities and suburban communities.

The rest of the race was a blast. Believe it or not I felt like a real athlete. Winding around the tight curves of the bike course, while having a 360 view of the bay is one of the most fun things I have ever done. Not to mention having my friends there to cheer me on and capture the event on film (flash flash flash) made it even more of an event. Especially when my good friend Jen of Eve yelled out “Move faster, I’m hungry”, the ultimate statement of encouragement. Crossing the finish line I couldn’t believe I had done it. Overall, I was and still am grateful for the whole experience; grateful to my training partner and good friend Sawyer for getting me to that day; for living in an amazing city where something like this is possible; and for being healthy enough to be able to do it. Not that it takes all that much since we did see a 65 year old drunk man finish the race, but I’m glad I put myself in these crazy situations. The next one will be with a lake swim, because seriously, I’m never swimming in the bay again.

11.5.08

Today I am bemused.

Not in the humorous or satirical way I had intended to start this blog. I feel disheartened and empty, unsure of where so many individuals’ intentions come from.

What a strange agreement we reach with one another by entering a society. This game of procedurally gaining and giving up rights is bewildering to say the least. On this day African Americans gained the right the right to feel like citizens in their own country, while gay and lesbian Americans lost the right to marry their partners, lovers, and soul mates. Teenage girls retained their ability to decide the fate of their pregnancies on their own, and sex workers remained outlaws on our streets*. I can’t make any sense of it. Is this really the spirit of our agreement? The function of our government?

For me, the strange part about this conundrum is that as tempting as it is may be to say that our democracy is only in place to preserve and not take away fundamental human rights, this isn’t true either. If we are to live communally there are rights that that we must give up. In my mind, no individual should have the right to steal from, or injure another person even if they have the necessary power or cunning to do so. No one citizen or company should have the right to create/abuse a monopoly of any kind even if they have the financial means to make this possible. And, even though this isn’t the case in our country, I don’t believe people should have the right to own guns to protect themselves from such crimes although these weapons do provide their owners with a sense of security that it seems they should be entitled to.

On the flip side, there is of course that classic laundry list of rights that no individual should ever have to give up: heathcare, education, individual freedom of thought and speech, sexuality, religion, the list goes on and on.

So where does that leave us?

I am undeniably tempted to wrap up this entry up in some neat little package. I’m tempted to make some statement about not having the right to single out groups, and that all rights, be they compromised or upheld, must apply to everyone equally. (yeah, had to get that in there) But overall, my hope is that we can simply start to see this agreement more clearly. That we understand the weight of these decisions, and of the great responsibility we have to one another in our districts, in our cities, in our states and in our country.

We are in each others hands, and today I feel we have failed one another. I hope that if we remember the spirit of this society and the power of our actions we can rectify these wrong doings in the future.



* (albeit they’ll continue to have small resources provided to them in their lives of criminal activity)